written by Elín Calmus
There is a light, a sign, a direction. It’s leading me to the path. The closer I
get, the less I see.
With every step I take my sight becomes more blurred. Till there is nothing.
Searching for the ground, wanting to stand, to hold on to something. But
there is just fog. Grey. Empty but tight enough to stop me from moving.
Unable to clear my sight, turning my head trying to see something feel
something ultimately feeling lost and confused.
I have been stuck with this feeling over and over again. It returns,
unexpectedly, and hits me like a dark storm in the middle of a peaceful
summer night.
I didn’t know what I wanted in life. I graduated from high school two years
ago. Looking for a purpose and meaning in my life, I knew I would not find
it staying in my hometown. I had a vision of seeing the whole world,
exploring, learning, and growing. I left and went to Mexico for five months.
Picking up where I left off when I was 15. I got to witness the prettiest
beaches, caught up with the greatest friends, spent time with my lovely
family, and went to some amazing parties. Not to mention the weather was
always sunny and warm. I had started a new life. A good life. Till the point
where all the beauty starts to fade, and you are sitting there again, alone,
with your thoughts.
Is this everything life has to offer? Is this what life is about?
Why am I thinking this is not enough? I want more to life.
Traveling is a wonderful experience; I wish everyone would have a chance
to do so. Making the most real connections with people all over the world.
Having the feeling that you have known someone for years when you have
just met them. To be able to taste the diversity of foods and experience the
cultures and traditions each country has to offer.
Many people have the mindset that traveling and going to different
countries will solve their problems. This is untrue and your struggles will
follow, they do not vanish.
People like to criticize that traveling is a form of running away maybe that’s
true to a certain extent. The way I see it traveling can help you see things
from a different perspective, helps break out of old behaviors and grow.
I am human, I do not know what the meaning of life is, and I cannot say I
know exactly what I want in life. But I would have never expected myself to
be in a foreign country, living with my best friend, working at a great job,
and falling in love.
There is a saying that after every down there will be an upside. I believe in
this; everything falls into place and will work out. This does not mean the
fog will not come back and confuse me. Some days terrify me and even
though I wish I could turn on a light, I know I will make it through.
It’s okay to have these feelings and I can be scared.
If someone tells you that they are feeling lost, what would you think? Many
people will feel sorry for this person or blame them for this feeling. They
are seen as immature and are told to get their life together.
Why do we rate feeling lost as something bad? Doesn’t it mean that the
person is fully open to possibilities, has many interests, and perceives the
world unfiltered?
A few days ago, I asked a friend what ́feeling lost ́ means for him and he
answered me, “Feeling lost is a beautiful feeling you can be proud of. It
makes you feel free, out of every system. It lets you breathe.” He told me
he wants to travel because he wants to feel lost.
What if we start to see this feeling as something positive?
Sometimes you don’t know what is right and wrong, where you are going,
or even what will happen in the next five minutes. You will feel sad,
terrified, happy, loved, alone, welcomed, LOST. Not knowing who you are
then finding yourself and losing it again is super stressful and it is part of
learning.
If someone asked me today if I would change anything about my life, I
would simply smile and answer no. Finding peace in the unknown is the
best part of living.